It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… and not necessarily in that order. Yes, we’ve reached the end of 2023, which means it’s time to highlight the highs and lows of the past year in pop culture. And because I like to end each year on a positive note, let’s get the bad out of the way first.
Quick refresher on the rules for eligibility for this list: It has to be a film that (1) I watched all the way through and (2) had at least some sustained run in theaters. (In the past, I’ve given some spots to streaming-exclusive movies, but after some debate, have concluded that it’s not quite as fair to pick on smaller movies unless they had the gall to be released for a mass audience on a multiplex screen.)
And of course, there is a decent chance that you will have enjoyed one or more of the movies I’m about to fillet. (I’ve spoken to several people in the past year who have enjoyed a few.) If so, I recommend you withhold your ammo for another few days, and then roast me for whatever nonsense I put on my forthcoming “Best of the Year” lists.
That’s it for preamble. Here are my picks for the ten worst films of 2023.
10. Wish
Disney’s much-ballyhooed centennial was a rough year for the studio, with multiple box-office flops and fizzles. It all culminated in Wish, a film intended to celebrate a hundred years of Disney magic, yet sorely lacking in wonder or whimsy of its own. Featuring the studio’s umpteenth adorkable heroine and a lot of blather about the heart’s true desire, Wish is a patchwork of old Disney tropes with none of the inspiration that made them such mainstays in the past. Filled with shallow characters and an array of clunky, forgettable songs, the film undermines itself with lots of references to old Disney properties and never crafts a compelling identity of its own. Stick to the classics instead.
9. Cocaine Bear
Concrete evidence demonstrating why Hollywood should not greenlight film scripts based on viral memes. The birth of Cocaine Bear recalls that of Snakes on a Plane (a film which gained prominence thanks to getting ironic attention all across the then-nascent world of social media), and sadly the comparisons don’t end there. Cocaine Bear is a premise in search of a movie – the bear gets high on cocaine, and hilarity fails to ensue. It’s the sort of film that could work as a guilty pleasure, if the film wasn’t so incompetent at even getting the most basic laughs. But the script is poorly paced, overstuffed with paper-thin characters, and the tone is all over the map. The brief runtime and several awkward scene transitions suggests this film was hacked apart in post-production, as though a genuine drug-fueled bear had stormed the editing room. Come to think of it, that scenario would probably make for a more entertaining movie.
8. Beau is Afraid
Ari Aster has been one of the most prominent young talents to emerge from A24’s experimental arthouse, and the financial success of Hereditary and Midsommar doubtlessly helped give him leverage to craft the studio’s most expensive movie yet. But as a studio as ardently minimalist as A24 should know, bigger isn’t always better. As a three-hour manifestation of the “men will literally do X before going to therapy” meme, Beau is Afraid will test the patience of all but the most ardent Asterheads with its rambling narrative, confused developments, and overly melancholy tone. Every scene drags on longer than it needs to, every character acts more insane than necessary, and even Joaquin Phoenix’s tortured central performance isn’t enough to carry the story. What starts as a darkly humorous exploration of one man’s world gone mad loses itself in multiple sidetracks that slowly sap the film of its energy, and the production stumbles to a risible climax. That risky, high-concept films can get made at such cost is respectable, but it also shouldn’t be too much to ask they be entertaining.
7. The Marvels
I debated whether this or Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania deserved placement on this list, as both films exemplify the issues currently facing Marvel Studios in similar ways. Both feature messy, convoluted scripts that are more focused on setting up future superhero projects than telling their own stories, with shoddy special effects that rely far too much on bloated CGI climaxes. But The Marvels feels particularly grating in its failures, boasting some of the most incompetent storytelling and atrocious editing of any major motion picture this year. Some clever setpieces and a few good performances (Brie Larson has more fun than in the first Captain Marvel film, though Iman Vellani ultimately steals the show) do what they can to boost the proceedings, but the film is stuck between too many Marvel Cinematic Universe productions both past and future to feel like anything more than a placeholder. Whether the MCU can recover from its current rut remains to be seen, though this box-office flop should serve as a wake-up call.
6. The Super Mario Bros. Movie
Perhaps the most soulless piece of corporate cinema since Space Jam: A New Legacy, though certainly not for lack of fidelity. Based on the globally popular video game juggernaut, The Super Mario Bros. Movie is slavishly and exhaustively devoted to its source material, coloring as neatly as possible within the lines and never offering anything beyond the bare minimum of creativity. (This is an Illumination film, after all.) Filled with hoary jokes and uninspired needle drops, not to mention several miscast celebrity voice actors, the film’s chief novelty is its endless supply of Easter eggs and references to the burgeoning Super Mario franchise, catnip for discerning fans both young and old. These touchstones – along with relatively little competition among family films this past spring – propelled the film to a billion-dollar box-office, ensuring a proliferation of sequels, spinoffs, and more video games that will in turn create opportunities for more cinematic in-jokes. And the machine chugs on.
5. It’s a Wonderful Knife
First rule of screenwriting: Don’t come up with the title before you come up with the movie. It’s a Wonderful Knife comes at the tail end of what has been a pretty decent year for tongue-in-cheek slasher films, from the latest Scream installment and the Covid-themed Sick to the time-travelling Totally Killer and the Grindhouse-inspired Thanksgiving. But alas, we hit the skids just in time for Christmas. In trying to combine a standard horror movie with beloved holiday classic It’s a Wonderful Life, the filmmakers completely miss the mark with a dull, turgid script that feels as forced as its title. Por lighting and uninspired kills make this a visual bore as well, and the cast can do little to boost the proceedings. (Justin Long is mildly funny as an ego-driven real-estate mogul; Joel McHale is wasted in a surprisingly dour role as the protagonist’s dad.) Unfunny, unscary, and often unwatchable.
4. The Little Mermaid
The kindest thing one can say about Disney’s latest live-action copy-paste of an animated classic is that it doesn’t hit the dreadful lows of some of their other recent remakes, being marginally less charmless than 2019’s Aladdin or Lion King. But it continues the trend of unnecessary and uninspired “reimaginings” that plumb audiences for nostalgia and drain the life out of the Renaissance-era films that inspired them. Embroiled in controversy since its announcement (albeit with some controversies more fabricated than others), the live-action Little Mermaid is a drab, dim-looking film, the sort of family entertainment where you’re too busy freaking out over the sight of a creepy CGI crab to notice how badly that selfsame crab is butchering “Under the Sea.” The cast, apart from a scene-chewing Melissa McCarthy as Ursula, does little to liven the material, which includes a handful of new songs – the most notable of which, the earwormy “Scuttlebutt,” manages to be both cloying and out-of-place while still being the most memorable part of the movie. (Hey, at least it’s doing something different.)
3. Ruby Gilman, Teenage Kraken
All the worst clichés of modern animated kids’ movies converge in Ruby Gillman, a loud, raucous, thoroughly irritating film about a young teenage girl who must contend with adolescence without letting on the fact that she’s secretly a sea monster. DreamWorks Animation, which hit a high mark last year with the delightful Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, here resorts to their worst impulses, cribbing from recent Pixar films (the plot is a mashup of Luca and Turning Red) and resorting to exaggerated comic stereotypes in place of humor. The characters are all cookie-cutter, the writing bland, and the breathless storytelling liable to give restless parents a migraine. A film for children with low attention spans and high sugar intake; all others beware.
2. Five Nights at Freddy’s
I have a level of respect for the Five Nights at Freddy’s game, which is one of the few pieces of original IP within the past decade to kick off an entire self-sustaining franchise. Sadly, an inspirational creation does not necessarily yield a good franchise, particularly when the story shifts from the Internet to the cinema. Such is the case with the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie, a film that is bad to an almost fascinating degree. Poorly written and sluggishly paced, the film is a complete mess of tone and focus, with goofy concepts framed against a dark backdrop and no sense of irony about its total clash of concepts. Underwhelming visual effects don’t help, nor do frequent jumpscares (numerous here even by PG-13 horror standards). Still, the film was a smash success over the pre-Halloween weekend, giving young audiences an “event” film packed with in-jokes and callbacks to the source material. The prospect of a sequel is very real, and more frightening than the movie itself.
1. Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey
As you may glean from this list, it was a rough year for movies about killer bears. It was also a rough year for movies capitalizing on recognizable IP, with several established brands turning out mediocre content on the big screen. These two worlds converged most acutely with Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, a horror take on the classic AA Milne franchise that just last year crossed over into the public domain. The idea of turning a childhood icon into a bloodthirsty killer is ripe for comedic potential, not a whit of which is recognized in the first film to take advantage of Pooh in his post-copyright era. The film manages, against all odds, to be the dullest, laziest, most poorly made version of what it attempts to be, devoid of scares, tension, and humor. It’s also a remarkably cynical film, with the producers more intent on capitalizing on a recognizable property and generating a few Internet memes than crafting an entertaining film on their own. And with several other classic 20th-century characters approaching their copyright expiration date, this will likely not be the last (or even worst) attempt to take lazy advantage of a beloved property. Don’t be surprised if some start-up studio announces Mickey Mouse: Death by Rodent sometime in 2024.
Tune in soon for a more positive spin on pop-culture in 2023, as we reflect on the 10 best TV shows of the year.
Critically Touched 