[Blogged by Bertrand Schmendrick]
[An Objectively Objective Critique]
Greetings, lower individual. My name is Bertrand, and I grant you permission to address me as such. I further grant you permission to prove me wrong (although I assure you that’s not even a remotely possible occurrence) in my saying that I am intellectually superior to you. Don’t have an argument in response? I though as much.
Let’s dispense with the pleasantries. I was perusing the Internet when I happened across this amusingly misguided website. Titled “Critically Touched” (What does that even mean? Do you know how a website can be touched in a critical way? I thought as much), the site appears to be a collection of thoughts from various would-be critics giving their half-baked opinions about certain ludicrous television shows. Naturally, I rolled my eyes at their laughable attempts at critiquing, and was about to move on to more important things (such as pretty much anything) when one article in particular caught my eye.
What headline could be enough to even give one such as myself pause? It was none other than: “Charmless City: Disliking The Wire”.
I gawked. I gawked again. To quote a famous lower being, what fresh hell was this? I only needed to scan the opening line of the article in order to get a clear understanding of the situation. “Hi, my name is Jeremy,” the author wrote, “and I don’t like The Wire.”
Right then and there, I knew everything I needed to know about this so-called “critic”, his feelings toward television, and every opinion he ever had in his entire life. Clearly, this person was a fool, with the mind of a child and a complete lack of capable reasoning. He also probably has bad breath. How he even worked up the intelligence to turn on a television set is beyond me.
Naturally, I didn’t bother wasting my time by reading the rest of the article, but I did know that something had to be done to prevent other misguided fools from accomplishing that woeful time-waster of a task. After all, The Wire is not only the greatest television series ever, but the greatest work of art to ever flicker across a cathode ray tube, and quite likely the greatest thing ever made by human hands, not to mention the natural world. Obviously, anyone who thinks otherwise is a simpleton, one who would be deserving of pity, if pity were something higher beings such as myself would even waste our time offering him.
Thus, I have surreptitiously hacked into this fellow’s account and written this article, not quite as a response to the painfully incompetent “critic”, but as a remedy for his writing. Perhaps those unfortunate enough to have their eyes forever scarred by the drivel he spouts will take some comfort in reading the thoughts of an intelligent, sophisticated connoisseur of fine television art.
(Besides, from what little I cared to glimpse of around this site, this “Jeremy” – lord, even his name sounds foolish – has something of a superiority complex, constantly referring to himself as “awesome”. No one despises people with superiority complexes more than I, and thus it is my pleasure to eloquently rip his writing to the shreds they deserve to be in.)
So you may ask: “Why do you, Bertrand, consider The Wire to be the greatest television series ever?” Well, if you have to ask, my feeble-minded friend, I’m afraid you’re already beyond help. Surely anyone with even a few flickering brain cells can understand that The Wire is the most incredible achievement in the history of the world. The only reason you’d even think to ask, I presume, is that your eyes have not seen the glory of the series. If that’s the case, well, just know that when I smile at you and shake my head in disappointment, it’s simply because you’ve wasted whatever passes for your life to an excruciating degree by not feasting your eyes on the sumptuous god’s feast of The Wire. (If my praise for the series seems a bit excessive, know that three reasons are at fault: (1) you’re a plebe, (2) the time people spend not praising The Wire is my least favorite time of day, and (3) you’re a plebe.)
I suppose I should take a moment’s pity on those among you who can’t understand why The Wire is the most perfect object this universe has ever crafted, if only in the vain attempt to explain why I believe this cold, concrete fact. You see, there is one respect in which The Wire surpasses every other television series ever created: quality. The Wire has the greatest level of quality of any series ever made, as well as every non-series ever made. Ever.
If you don’t understand my reasoning, I can only shrug my shoulders, and wonder why you’re not occupying a padded cell. It’s not easy, I’ll admit, to restrain myself whenever someone else tells me they don’t think The Wire is the most incredible creation since the dawn of time, but I do my best not to strap them to a hospital gurney and wheel them off the nearest bridge. On one occasion, some addled-brained woman had the nerve to tell me that her favorite show was Friends. I asked her, “My good woman, when was the last time you got laid?” I believe I struck a nerve, as she ended up sending me to my room without supper.
Certainly it’s a risky business to contend with the plebeians of the world, but The Wire instills in me a grand sense of pride that cannot be extinguished even by the most “logical” of fools. (By “logical”, I of course refer to the deluded imbeciles who think that “intelligent arguments” and “careful analysis” will convince me that they’re not deranged for thinking that The Wire is not the world’s great chosen deity.) It also instills in me a great sense of moral assurance, because any series that focuses on negativity makes me feel instantly better about any immoral acts I may make in life – after all, they’re standard. What’s more, any time someone criticizes the series for wallowing in excessive negativity, I can simply call them a pussy-minded sunflower. It’s an easy insult completely validated by the fact that it’s absolutely true.
I occasionally hear people attempt to avoid my rightful branding of them as addle-brained wimps by stating that The Wire is “one of” the greatest shows ever, as if saying that it’s undeserving of the #1 spot. Such fellows are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” – or, more appropriately, “pussy-minded sunflowers in sheep’s clothing”. I had a friend (“had” being the operative word, of course) who blasphemously stated that The Sopranos was the best show of all time. He was naturally wrong, as was the bozo who took a break from his obvious liquor-drinking addiction long enough to proclaim Breaking Bad as the greatest show of all time. I believe the latter fellow has gone on to a career at MIT, and the idea of such a fool getting a career at an allegedly intelligent association (human intelligence, of course, is based solely around whether or not you like The Wire) makes me wonder what this world is coming to. May The Wire have mercy on us all.
You may think that I have tolerance even for those individuals who do regard The Wire as the greatest piece of entertainment ever, but even there, your logic would be horrendously erroneous. I came across a message board once whereupon “fans” of The Wire were debating which season of The Wire was the best. This entire contest is built on a foundation of idiot bricks. Every season of The Wire is absolutely perfect in every way that the human mind can register, as well as several other ways that science has yet to discover. Trying to rank all the seasons of The Wire is as impossible as trying to rank all the seasons of The Wire. That simile may not make too much sense, but that’s only because trying to think of something that’s as impossible as ranking the seasons of The Wire is as impossible as trying to rank all the seasons of The Wire.
I have yet to find any other person on this hilariously misbegotten planet who fully understands the true brilliance of The Wire. Indeed, just a fortnight ago, I stumbled across the writings of a man named Alan Sepinwall, a writer who undertook the task of reviewing every single episode of The Wire in astonishing detail in order to prove its greatness. The idea that Sepinwall has even an ounce of sanity in his mind makes me roar with laughter. Who in their right mind would think that The Wire needed such close scrutiny to “justify” its brilliance? If you can’t see for yourself just how ingenious The Wire is after the first frame of the very first episode – and consider yourself fundamentally retarded if it even takes you that long – there’s nothing left I can do for you. All I ask is that you paint a red-and-white circle on your chest before stepping outside tomorrow morning. With luck, someone will see you and choose to make the world a better place.
Well, I’d better wrap this up before someone starts to think I care enough about what other, lesser people think about The Wire to write a whole article about it. Truth be told, if you’ve read this far, you’re clearly beyond help no matter what your stance on The Wire is, as no one should ever need the slightest bit of convincing that The Wire the One True Divine Presence of the Universe. Don’t worry, though: the next time I prostrate myself to the all-knowing genius of The Wire, I will add a silent prayer for you, in hopes that you will die a quick and only slightly painful death, never again tarnishing the sheer perfection of The Wire.
Farewell, touchers of this critical website. I must be off, as I’ve just received word that some poorly misdirected numbskull on the website of “The Audio/Visual Club” has just commented that his favorite show is Friday Night Lights.
Bertrand Schmendrick is a one-time writer for Critically Touched and a self-proclaimed higher being. He would love to take the time to debate the merits of this article, but as it turns out, he has everything better to do.